The International Society for the Standardization of the Spelling of Names rulings 12/13/12

13 Dec

I bet you loyal readers thought that this was some one-off gimmick and I’d just forget about it. Absolutely not. We’re doing important work here at the Society, and we’ll never abandon it. Today’s rulings all seem pretty obvious to me, but that’s part of the problem. Join us and help to prevent atrocities like people named Kliff.

RACHEL. Rachael is becoming more and more common. It drives me crazy. There’s no historic or logical reason for it. Just because Michael has an “ae” in it doesn’t mean you can throw it into Rachel because you think it looks cool. Rachel is an ancient name. It’s from the Old Testament. Its original English translation, without any extraneous vowels, is a prefectly balanced name. Stop fucking with it everyone. I’d suggest that you start calling Rachaels “Rachayel” because that’s how their name is spelled.

GREGORY. GREG. Sometimes we have to discuss nicknames or shortened versions of names. Hey, idiots–there are only two g’s in Greg. Gregg is stupid. There’s no reason for it. It looks bad. I really can’t understand why anyone would think it’s a good idea.

CLIFFORD. CLIFF. This entry was sparked by the news that one Kliff Kingsbury has been named the head football coach at Texas Tech University. Yes, Kliff. Jesus. My guess is that Mr. Kingsbury’s parents liked the idea of giving their son an alliterative name. This is pretty common with c’s and k’s. Just because you can switch the letters without changing the pronunciation doesn’t mean you should. Misplaced k’s always make me think of Krusty’s Komedy Klassic from The Simpsons. Everybody watch the clip below and absorb its lesson.

The other thing that Mr. Kingsbury made me think of is the trend of parents giving all their kids names starting with the same letter. Kliff made me think of this because of Roger Clemens, who famously gave all of his kids K names because he got a lot of strikeouts. I don’t have the words to express how horrible that is. Here’s a general rule to follow: If you have three or more kids and all of their names start with the same letter you’re an asshole.

One last Kliff Kingsbury note. Today’s news really makes me very aware of my own aging. I remember when he was the quarterback at Texas Tech. I watched him play. He put up monster numbers. And I wasn’t really young then, either. High school probably. Now he’s the head coach. Wow. When I was a kid people always talked about coaches’ playing careers, but I never remembered them and only knew them as coaches. Now I remember not just the pro careers, but the college careers of these people. Get off my lawn, etc.

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3 Responses to “The International Society for the Standardization of the Spelling of Names rulings 12/13/12”

  1. Vito December 14, 2012 at 7:02 am #

    I’ve come across a particularly troubling naming issue. As a member of this society, I’ve come to you for a ruling. Someone I know has the given name Victoria, which is fine. She like many people with that name goes by the shortened “Vicky”, later on she changed the spelling to “Vikki”, However, she recently decided that she wanted to go by “KikkI”. In my opinion this is going to far. Kikki is just a different name alltogether. Before I lose my cool, I decided to come here for counsel.

    • thepensiveyears December 14, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      That’s an interesting point, Vito. I have a lot of questions about someone who wants to be known as “Kikki” but I think that’s probably out of our purview. I think she can call herself whatever she wants whether it’s dumb or not. Vicky/Vicki/Vikki is an interesting one though. I think Vicky is more common. Compare to Nicky/Nikki. I think Nikki is much more common there. Some thought required.

  2. Derp October 4, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    Cool story bro

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